Sunday, March 9, 2008

School For Fools

There are as many definitions of hell as there are people who believe in its existence, but I’m pretty sure one universal component of every concept of the nether world would include school projects.

Big school projects.


Big science, math or reading projects that are assigned weeks in advance, with the obvious expectation that the child (and one or more parents) will work on the project every day and complete something spectacular.


In some homes, the “do a little work on the project every day” — that would be the mature, organized approach — probably happens. No doubt the fresh-faced child, cheeks rosy from an afternoon spent playing outdoors, helping old ladies cross streets, and other Norman Rockwellish pursuits, knows exactly what he/she wants to do from day one. The child makes a list of supplies, the parent and child procure the supplies, and every evening after dinner, while the rest of the family plays Scrabble and works on a jigsaw puzzle, the child and a parent inch inexorably toward completion.


I’m fully prepared to one day live in that world. Until then, here’s what I learned from our latest math project:


Popsicle sticks can be inserted in places where Popsicle sticks shouldn’t go.

Young children and glue don’t mix.

Dogs and glue don’t mix.

Very few adults remember what a rhombus or parallelogram looks like. (It rarely comes up at work.)

No hardware store, hobby shop or crafts store has everything you need.

Items that look perfect in the store mysteriously become too large or too small when they get home.

Children are fascinated by the potential mischief of spray paint.

The more delicate the construction or painting operation, the more young children want to stand right on top of you to see what you’re doing.

Being frustrated when a rickety structure topples over for the third time is twice as frustrating when you can’t use bad language to express how you really feel.

Elementary school-age children are so fascinated by the spectacle of an adult carrying a large project into school that they must stand right in front of you, impeding your progress, while they gawk at you and the project. The heavier the project, the longer they can remain still.


Now, we’re actually pleased by the way our latest project turned out, and overall it was a lot of fun. Should Baltimore County Recreation and Parks decide to construct a park made entirely of polygons, the plans and 3-D model are ready.


However, if they want dodecahedrons, they’re extra.


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