Email schmemail

Not to be boastful, but my email is much more interesting than yours.

 You get spam. I get invited to interview an Italian actress who claims to have been possessed by an Italian priest so he can become a saint. (It’s complicated, but I understand sex, money and power are involved. Hot dog!)

 You get invitations to refinance your mortgage or virtually cavort with nubile blondes. (Seems to me someone is missing the boat on a package deal here.) I’m offered the opportunity to meet with an author who calls himself a hair care activist. (The email doesn’t say, but I think I could get a free copy of his book, too.) If I were to interview him I’d ask some math questions, since he claims "I'm on a hard core mission [to clean up the country from weaving over damaged hair]. The men are 140 percent behind me."

 I weep for his teachers.

 You’re offered the opportunity to receive millions in ill-gotten gains from Nigeria, while I’m offered time with a former sheriff who wants to communicate his “insights and expertise” about high profile cases (kidnappings, mostly), even though his only knowledge is the same newspaper stories I’ve read.

 Yes, I still get the same spam and jokes you do, as well as regular updates from my mother (she’s fine, thanks for asking) and one of my step-brothers, who pops up on TV every now and again (he’s been on Letterman, had a very minor role during the Branch Davidian standoff and cruises Austin, Texas in a boat he turned into a car).

 Why was the Internet invented? My email inbox is why.