Tainted Love

Comcast loves me more than ever.

Oh, when we had a relationship — granted, a relationship based on my paying them for television and Internet access — I felt much less love.

Like many relationships, the honeymoon period was the best: I had a shiny new router and cable box, I was getting some promotional savings, the service was fine. The installer knew nothing about our Macs, so I had to set up that part myself, but nobody's perfect.

Then, the relationship began to lose its luster. Promises were made and broken. Lies were told. Appointments were missed. Sometimes, patronizing tech support reps would tell me I didn't know what I was talking about when a router went bad (happened twice). Sometimes, tech support didn't know that service was out in our area and wanted to schedule an appointment (always for the following week). Once, without asking, Comcast ran a cable from the cable box in our yard across the yard and sidewalk to a neighbor's yard, then knocked on our door and said a crew would come to bury it within a week. For weeks we mowed around the cable, and finally after four phone calls someone dug up our yard to bury the cable. (It was another two calls to get them to return and repair the damage to our yard.)

And, of course, as our service went down — Internet service went out so often I had tech support on speed dial — the price crept up.

Our parting, when it came, encapsulated the entire relationship. When I called to cancel, here's the entire response I received: "Return all equipment within 30 days or you'll be billed for it." Luckily, I knew the location of the closest Comcast office (I'd been there more than once to swap defective equipment for new).

I thought that was the end of my relationship with Comcast. My new relationship with Verizon FiOS was going well — the one time we had a problem, I called in the morning and two repair people came and fixed the problem that afternoon — and we had better service and more "stuff" for less money.

Apparently Comcast had pangs of regret: after a month of no contact, I started to receive little enticements in the mail if only I'd return to my first electronic love. At first, the sweet nothings whispered in my ear were small: a price break for three months, a little bit of free HBO, a discount on equipment upgrades. And, mixed in with these little entreaties to return were veiled criticisms of my new love: "If your new service isn't quite everything you were promised..."

But when my stone heart refused to melt, the enticements became sweeter: free HBO and Showtime for six months, a discount price for a year, a free high definition LCD TV (size not specified).

Yesterday came the best offer ever: a free Nintendo Wii ($249 in a store if you can find one), and the promise of a faster Internet and more high definition channels than I have now. But I must be strong. I cannot weaken.

I wonder if they'd throw in a couple of games.